It seems the moment I conquer one obstacle in my personal life, another comes my way.  I finally feel as if I’ve put everything that’s been plaguing me for the last few months behind me: the contents of that e-mail, the realization that I’ll never have what I had before with that particular person, and the fact that it’s probably better that way.  I feel as if I’ve become a more balanced person, though it’s still hard for me sometimes not to get caught up in the world I was in before.  When I’m there, I can’t really see anything else, and it’s very distressing to me.  Mostly, I share that only with myself because other people probably wouldn’t understand where it’s coming from, it’s a little embarrassing, and I don’t want to burden people.

Usually when I’ve done something wrong or unfair, I’m aware of it on some level.  It’s very unusual that I am caught off guard by someone exposing an aspect of my personality that I hadn’t been aware of.  And usually when they do, I can say “I can see that,” or “I can understand where you’re coming from.”

But today, I was talking to Kelly and I was telling her about how Nicole wasn’t being very accomodating to her situation, when it comes to the fact that we wanted to go camping next weekend, and now we can’t because the place we wanted to go had no availability, and Kelly needs to be in North Bend anyway.   I thought I was being very flexible about it after my initial sadness over the fact that we wouldn’t even be able to go somewhere that might be a bit further away, but…I don’t know.  I was relating to her about how Nicole wasn’t being very accomodating and how I was a little upset with how she was treating the situation.

Then I said something along the lines of how yesterday, I wasn’t liking people’s reactions to me and I felt very picked on.  And then Kelly said, “You always feel picked on.”

It really threw me for a loop. Not only did it hurt my feelings, but especially recently, I haven’t felt that way.  And I haven’t noticed that I’ve ever really felt that way around her.  Yes, I did call her yesterday ot make sure that she was all right, because she was a bit short with me through e-mail and she seemed upset…but I was doing that because I was worried about her and not about where I stood with her.  It actually wasn’t my inescurity for once.  And I didn’t think that she thought it was.

But I don’t know…I did feel bad when she said that. So I left, and it was a little obvious that I had been hurt by what she’d said.  But I didn’t want to stay because I didn’t want to compound the situation, and I knew it was probably me anyway, and I know she would never say anything to deliberately hurt me.  So I got over it in the time it took me to get to work and talk to Emily about some things.

And then I did some work, and I opened my e-mail to shoot Kelly off something light about how I need a hair cut, just to let her know that I wasn’t mad at her, or upset (because I worry about her feelings, too), and I have this e-mail in my inbox:

i realize that didn’t come out in the way i meant it to. or maybe it did. i just meant that you tend to take things very personally, and when something doesn’t go your way you tend to get upset or grumpy about it. sometimes the tone in which you say things hurts my feelings too, but its easier to just let it go than to say anything. something to think about is how others might feel taken advantage of because they feel like they can’t say no because its just easier than making you upset.

i feel really helpless when this happens because i know how sensitive you are and i care about your feelings and i know how sad you’ve been lately. I wish I could make it better, but I just can’t, I can’t fix it and it hurts me to know that something I say or do upsets you because you’re my best friend and I care about you. It can be overwhelming sometimes hearing how sad you are and I have no way of helping or no way of knowing what to do.

sorry.

It’s much kinder than the e-mail I received from Laur (though that e-mail was "kind" for her, even if it was…pretty unfair and rather hypocritical), and although I cried about it, it was mostly because I hadn’t realized that I was making her feel that way.  At all.  In a return e-mail, I tried to explain my feelings and my surprise, but I’m not sure if it came out well or not.

Maybe I am being too much for people…I don’t know. I thought I had really backed off with that, and I’m keeping an amazing amount of things inside.  But if the things that I’m sharing are too much, what’s the line? And how do I deal with these problems and feelings I have if I can’t talk to people who care about me about them? Going to a counselor is effective, but it’s so impersonal.  Sometimes I just need a hug, and someone I really know to say “I love you,” or, “I can see why that upset you, but you have to realize…” or even just, “I know that you’re upset, and I don’t know why, and you don’t know why…just know that I’m here for you and will try to distract you from it until you feel better.”

Maybe it’s too much to ask. I’ve always tried to be that for other people, and even at my darkest times, I try to be able to see how others are feeling.  But I can’t do that unless they share their problems with me as well.  I don’t know if they think that their problems will make me depressed, too, and that’s why they’re not sharing, or what.  But I try very hard to give back, and wish that people would offer me what I offer them…

I also know that people can only give so much.  I just guess I wasn’t aware of the limits.

This feeling of sadness I have right now, though, it isn’t one of the despair I felt before.  Because I know instinctually that Kelly loves me and she will always care for me, no matter what kind of emotional issues I go through.  I didn’t have that in the other case, and so it was easy to be swept away by it.  Or maybe this is just real sadness.  The better kind to have because it’s not selfish.

A guy came in while I was crying, and he asked me if I always cry when people come in.  It made me smile; he was a very nice man and had nice teeth.

…I love how I notice people’s teeth even when I’m sad.  Perhaps I should mention that in my interview for dental school, if I ever get one.  Which I will.  I mean…when someone who sucks at math as badly as me has the second highest grade in her class, I’d say that it’s pretty possible to learn a bunch of science.

Now I just wish that Kelly would e-mail me back.

I also really want to work on the story that I’ve had in my mind for quite awhile. I think I’m just unsure of how to start, or even what to call it…or where it could go. Drat.

ETA; Problem solved. I love being able to talk to my real friends about the problems we have rather than being afraid to because they don’t care/aren’t sympathetic/aren’t willing to make sure we feel better about things.