It’s been quite awhile since I’ve last written.  Despite how much has been going on, I haven’t felt like writing lately, which my lack of writing indicates, I suppose.  Initially, I wanted to write down my feelings about Aunt Carol’s death, but it took awhile for me to realize that I could deal with those feelings without pouring them onto a page, like my other bruising emotions.  I think that’s a sign that I’m actually getting better–either that, or that the zoloft has permanently rendered me unable to experience grief.

I do feel much better.  My weight has gone back up (too much, I’m afraid), and I don’t even notice when 3 o’clock rolls around anymore until my alarm goes off.  When I think about things, I don’t get sad, although I did experience some sadness during my period last week, which I think is normal.

I still dream about Lauren.  They’re rarely I-wish dreams, but usually they’re more like things were, except with emotions that were much more intense.  The urge to contact her picks up in my dreams more than it ever hits me when I’m awake, which I’m glad for.  Becuase I don’t want to talk to her.  Perhaps I’ve been unfair about her, and I can admit that.  But for the vast majority, I have been fair.  She wasn’t a positive force in my life.

Yuka came to visit last week, and will be here until Monday.  We’ve been having a good time–the family even went to the ocean, which was beautiful–and for that I’m extremely greatful.  I feel like I’ve been able to make up for the nine months that she was here when I treated her childishly and unfairly.  I’ve felt guilt over that a lot, and now I’m glad that I can treat her how I should have initially (though I would never repeat the experience; I think my actions were unavoidable…I’m not meant to have siblings).  I’ll miss her when she’s gone.

My summer was very busy and full of fun. It would have been more fun, of course, had I not been depressed, but I think that my friends and family did their best to help me.  I would have done it for them, so I’m not surprised.  It just shows who my real friends are. They helped me so much, and stuck with me.  Even Emily has been a great help. Living with her is refreshing, and I’ll miss her when she graduates, too.

Ah…graduation. It seems so far away now, but for once I’m not wishing it would come faster.  I started chemistry and biology on wednesday, when classes started, and they seem as if they’re going to be so much fun.  I honestly can’t wait to get deeper into the class. Actually studying something is exciting and invigorating, despite how tiring it is. I went to bed at 8:30 the first night of class because I’d studied for about three and a half hours straight, and had lugged my $530 books around campus on my shoulder.  All in all, I’m very happy about my decisions.

I must say that some people stick with you, no matter how little you talk to them or how vague and seemingly distant you are with them.  Li, Nate…I sometimes wonder what keeps them IMing me occasionally, but they really must like me.  I’m glad for that, because after my experience last spring I really felt as if friendships weren’t worth it.  But I shouldn’t base my opinions on the failures of one person; there are so many better people out there to spend my time on.

Nicole began pharmacy school. I’m jealous, but glad for her.  She has such an inquisitive mind, and she really likes knowing the whys of things. Myles got a job at Google…which I’m also jealous about. But that’s okay, because my friends are smart and happy, and they’re willing to share their joy with me and not shove it in my face.

Last night we went out to a Korean BBQ place. Myles, Kelly, Yuka, Nicole and I had a great time eating and chatting…we had a LOT of fun.  And then we went to a bar, and I had two drinks. I think they were called sour apples? Because they didn’t have any grapefruit and so I couldn’t get a sex on the beach, and I ordered one, but Nicole didn’t like it so I drank hers as well.  Needless to say, it made me a little tipsy. But it was all good, really.

 

I feel sad for Uncle Al. My parents sometimes talk about him in ways that I don’t like, because I haven’t seen the sides of him that they have.  But maybe they haven’t seen the sides of him that I have either…or they have, but they misinterpret it.  I think about him all alone now, and that’s what hurts the most.  Aunt Carol’s time was here…she was in pain, and now she’s in a better place, and the better for it.  But Uncle Al loved her dearly, and now he’s alone…I just wish dad was easier on him.

Not much else to write.  I think this journal served its purpose back when I needed a place to record my sadness, but it’s important to record happy things as well, lest I look back and think that I’m sad all the time…

So I’ll try to keep it up.