Test scores as of late:
First biology exam: 78.5/100. Class average: 60/100.
Second biology exam: 90/100. Class average: 70/100. I was one of three people to have gotten 90-100.
First biology quiz: 7.5/10
Second biology quiz: 8/10
Third biology quiz: 8/10
Fourth biology quiz: 9/10
First chemistry exam: 88/100.
Second chemistry exam: 104/100.

I had to brag to someone since all of my friends are too busy to even talk to me.  No, I’m just feeling that way right now because it’s the week before my period and I feel utterly depressed again.  Feel a bit like crying, actually. But only a couple more hours before I can go home, sit on the couch, pet my cat, and eat chocolate.

Also, I look damn pretty lately.

Had a volcano dream again last night. It was pretty different from my usual volcano dreams. No lava, no running, just sitting in a bath tub and hoping the explosion of superheated gas didn’t burn me up.  I think it resulted from a combination of Life as We Knew It and a brief mentioning of The Lord of the Rings the other day.  Ah, disaster movies. I wonder if my love for them is the hope that someday I’ll have an isolated life, be self-sufficient, and live with very few people, maybe alone.  I don’t know.

Also had a dream the other night about Aunt Carol giving me a car for Christmas.  It’s weird, I think of her suddenly and have the briefest time to think, I need to tell Aunt Carol that, until I realize that she’s dead.  Kinda sucks.

I don’t have much time to write at the moment–about five minutes–but I figured that since I thought about it, and actually felt like it, I would. 

Things are going well.  Biology and chemistry are fun, but hard.  I got an 88% on my first chemistry test, and a 78.5% on my first biology test, which was a little disappointing because I thought I did very well on that one.  The chem test was really surprising, though! I find I’m doing very well in that class, though it’s odd because I thought it would be the most difficult.  It is getting harder, though–yesterday I studied one chapter for nearly four hours.

Anyway, I don’t have much time to record other thoughts.  Halloween was on Friday, and it was fun, though I got into an argument with Kelly which upset me, about euthinasia.  Whenever she has an opinion, she just seems to state it like it’s fact–and I guess that’s good, it shows that she has confidence, but it’s really upsetting to have arguments with her, because it’s a bit like talking to a wall.  There’s no admission that your point of view has any merit at all.

I’ve also been having weird dreams lately.  Maybe it’s all the studying! I need to do more.  And now I need to go to chem lab.

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve last written.  Despite how much has been going on, I haven’t felt like writing lately, which my lack of writing indicates, I suppose.  Initially, I wanted to write down my feelings about Aunt Carol’s death, but it took awhile for me to realize that I could deal with those feelings without pouring them onto a page, like my other bruising emotions.  I think that’s a sign that I’m actually getting better–either that, or that the zoloft has permanently rendered me unable to experience grief.

I do feel much better.  My weight has gone back up (too much, I’m afraid), and I don’t even notice when 3 o’clock rolls around anymore until my alarm goes off.  When I think about things, I don’t get sad, although I did experience some sadness during my period last week, which I think is normal.

I still dream about Lauren.  They’re rarely I-wish dreams, but usually they’re more like things were, except with emotions that were much more intense.  The urge to contact her picks up in my dreams more than it ever hits me when I’m awake, which I’m glad for.  Becuase I don’t want to talk to her.  Perhaps I’ve been unfair about her, and I can admit that.  But for the vast majority, I have been fair.  She wasn’t a positive force in my life.

Yuka came to visit last week, and will be here until Monday.  We’ve been having a good time–the family even went to the ocean, which was beautiful–and for that I’m extremely greatful.  I feel like I’ve been able to make up for the nine months that she was here when I treated her childishly and unfairly.  I’ve felt guilt over that a lot, and now I’m glad that I can treat her how I should have initially (though I would never repeat the experience; I think my actions were unavoidable…I’m not meant to have siblings).  I’ll miss her when she’s gone.

My summer was very busy and full of fun. It would have been more fun, of course, had I not been depressed, but I think that my friends and family did their best to help me.  I would have done it for them, so I’m not surprised.  It just shows who my real friends are. They helped me so much, and stuck with me.  Even Emily has been a great help. Living with her is refreshing, and I’ll miss her when she graduates, too.

Ah…graduation. It seems so far away now, but for once I’m not wishing it would come faster.  I started chemistry and biology on wednesday, when classes started, and they seem as if they’re going to be so much fun.  I honestly can’t wait to get deeper into the class. Actually studying something is exciting and invigorating, despite how tiring it is. I went to bed at 8:30 the first night of class because I’d studied for about three and a half hours straight, and had lugged my $530 books around campus on my shoulder.  All in all, I’m very happy about my decisions.

I must say that some people stick with you, no matter how little you talk to them or how vague and seemingly distant you are with them.  Li, Nate…I sometimes wonder what keeps them IMing me occasionally, but they really must like me.  I’m glad for that, because after my experience last spring I really felt as if friendships weren’t worth it.  But I shouldn’t base my opinions on the failures of one person; there are so many better people out there to spend my time on.

Nicole began pharmacy school. I’m jealous, but glad for her.  She has such an inquisitive mind, and she really likes knowing the whys of things. Myles got a job at Google…which I’m also jealous about. But that’s okay, because my friends are smart and happy, and they’re willing to share their joy with me and not shove it in my face.

Last night we went out to a Korean BBQ place. Myles, Kelly, Yuka, Nicole and I had a great time eating and chatting…we had a LOT of fun.  And then we went to a bar, and I had two drinks. I think they were called sour apples? Because they didn’t have any grapefruit and so I couldn’t get a sex on the beach, and I ordered one, but Nicole didn’t like it so I drank hers as well.  Needless to say, it made me a little tipsy. But it was all good, really.

I feel sad for Uncle Al. My parents sometimes talk about him in ways that I don’t like, because I haven’t seen the sides of him that they have.  But maybe they haven’t seen the sides of him that I have either…or they have, but they misinterpret it.  I think about him all alone now, and that’s what hurts the most.  Aunt Carol’s time was here…she was in pain, and now she’s in a better place, and the better for it.  But Uncle Al loved her dearly, and now he’s alone…I just wish dad was easier on him.

Not much else to write.  I think this journal served its purpose back when I needed a place to record my sadness, but it’s important to record happy things as well, lest I look back and think that I’m sad all the time…

So I’ll try to keep it up.

I wrote my mom that I’m having a hard time feeling as if Aunt Carol’s death really happened, and that’s true.  When my mom called and told me that she’d died, I cried for awhile and I was pretty upset, but in my heart, I don’t feel it. Maybe it’s because I can still picture her perfectly in my mind, hear her voice perfectly in my head.  I can remember the quality of her skin, all the little veins and the way it made her look like her cheeks were blushing when they weren’t.

I’m hoping that writing about her will make me feel like this has happened. I feel so guilty that I can feel so much pain over the end of a fake relationship, when it barely even registers that one of my most beloved people is gone, and I’ll never see them again.

It makes me very frustrated. And I am still very bitter, which is even more frustrating.

I’ll write more when I feel like I can.

My Aunt Carol died yesterday from a heart attack.

I’ll write more when I can process it. Right now I simply feel like taking a shower and forgetting about life for awhile.

I haven’t time to update at the moment, but there are a few things I need to remind myself to talk about in the next post. Just updating to say that I’m not dead, I’m not currently depressed, and things have been going quite well for the last week or so (but busy!).

1.) The Lord saw The Dark Knight and He saw that it was Good.
2.) Oekaki fanaticism.
3.) Lamp’s nose.
4.) IG.
5.) Current results of Operation Get Over Yourself.

Oh, and PS. Another 103% on the latest math test. Only one more test before the final exam! I may reach my goal of getting over 100% on all of my tests O_O.

Maybe I really can do this ^^;

It seems the moment I conquer one obstacle in my personal life, another comes my way.  I finally feel as if I’ve put everything that’s been plaguing me for the last few months behind me: the contents of that e-mail, the realization that I’ll never have what I had before with that particular person, and the fact that it’s probably better that way.  I feel as if I’ve become a more balanced person, though it’s still hard for me sometimes not to get caught up in the world I was in before.  When I’m there, I can’t really see anything else, and it’s very distressing to me.  Mostly, I share that only with myself because other people probably wouldn’t understand where it’s coming from, it’s a little embarrassing, and I don’t want to burden people.

Usually when I’ve done something wrong or unfair, I’m aware of it on some level.  It’s very unusual that I am caught off guard by someone exposing an aspect of my personality that I hadn’t been aware of.  And usually when they do, I can say “I can see that,” or “I can understand where you’re coming from.”

But today, I was talking to Kelly and I was telling her about how Nicole wasn’t being very accomodating to her situation, when it comes to the fact that we wanted to go camping next weekend, and now we can’t because the place we wanted to go had no availability, and Kelly needs to be in North Bend anyway.   I thought I was being very flexible about it after my initial sadness over the fact that we wouldn’t even be able to go somewhere that might be a bit further away, but…I don’t know.  I was relating to her about how Nicole wasn’t being very accomodating and how I was a little upset with how she was treating the situation.

Then I said something along the lines of how yesterday, I wasn’t liking people’s reactions to me and I felt very picked on.  And then Kelly said, “You always feel picked on.”

It really threw me for a loop. Not only did it hurt my feelings, but especially recently, I haven’t felt that way.  And I haven’t noticed that I’ve ever really felt that way around her.  Yes, I did call her yesterday ot make sure that she was all right, because she was a bit short with me through e-mail and she seemed upset…but I was doing that because I was worried about her and not about where I stood with her.  It actually wasn’t my inescurity for once.  And I didn’t think that she thought it was.

But I don’t know…I did feel bad when she said that. So I left, and it was a little obvious that I had been hurt by what she’d said.  But I didn’t want to stay because I didn’t want to compound the situation, and I knew it was probably me anyway, and I know she would never say anything to deliberately hurt me.  So I got over it in the time it took me to get to work and talk to Emily about some things.

And then I did some work, and I opened my e-mail to shoot Kelly off something light about how I need a hair cut, just to let her know that I wasn’t mad at her, or upset (because I worry about her feelings, too), and I have this e-mail in my inbox:

i realize that didn’t come out in the way i meant it to. or maybe it did. i just meant that you tend to take things very personally, and when something doesn’t go your way you tend to get upset or grumpy about it. sometimes the tone in which you say things hurts my feelings too, but its easier to just let it go than to say anything. something to think about is how others might feel taken advantage of because they feel like they can’t say no because its just easier than making you upset.

i feel really helpless when this happens because i know how sensitive you are and i care about your feelings and i know how sad you’ve been lately. I wish I could make it better, but I just can’t, I can’t fix it and it hurts me to know that something I say or do upsets you because you’re my best friend and I care about you. It can be overwhelming sometimes hearing how sad you are and I have no way of helping or no way of knowing what to do.

sorry.

It’s much kinder than the e-mail I received from Laur (though that e-mail was "kind" for her, even if it was…pretty unfair and rather hypocritical), and although I cried about it, it was mostly because I hadn’t realized that I was making her feel that way.  At all.  In a return e-mail, I tried to explain my feelings and my surprise, but I’m not sure if it came out well or not.

Maybe I am being too much for people…I don’t know. I thought I had really backed off with that, and I’m keeping an amazing amount of things inside.  But if the things that I’m sharing are too much, what’s the line? And how do I deal with these problems and feelings I have if I can’t talk to people who care about me about them? Going to a counselor is effective, but it’s so impersonal.  Sometimes I just need a hug, and someone I really know to say “I love you,” or, “I can see why that upset you, but you have to realize…” or even just, “I know that you’re upset, and I don’t know why, and you don’t know why…just know that I’m here for you and will try to distract you from it until you feel better.”

Maybe it’s too much to ask. I’ve always tried to be that for other people, and even at my darkest times, I try to be able to see how others are feeling.  But I can’t do that unless they share their problems with me as well.  I don’t know if they think that their problems will make me depressed, too, and that’s why they’re not sharing, or what.  But I try very hard to give back, and wish that people would offer me what I offer them…

I also know that people can only give so much.  I just guess I wasn’t aware of the limits.

This feeling of sadness I have right now, though, it isn’t one of the despair I felt before.  Because I know instinctually that Kelly loves me and she will always care for me, no matter what kind of emotional issues I go through.  I didn’t have that in the other case, and so it was easy to be swept away by it.  Or maybe this is just real sadness.  The better kind to have because it’s not selfish.

A guy came in while I was crying, and he asked me if I always cry when people come in.  It made me smile; he was a very nice man and had nice teeth.

…I love how I notice people’s teeth even when I’m sad.  Perhaps I should mention that in my interview for dental school, if I ever get one.  Which I will.  I mean…when someone who sucks at math as badly as me has the second highest grade in her class, I’d say that it’s pretty possible to learn a bunch of science.

Now I just wish that Kelly would e-mail me back.

I also really want to work on the story that I’ve had in my mind for quite awhile. I think I’m just unsure of how to start, or even what to call it…or where it could go. Drat.

ETA; Problem solved. I love being able to talk to my real friends about the problems we have rather than being afraid to because they don’t care/aren’t sympathetic/aren’t willing to make sure we feel better about things.