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I’m fairly tired, so I’m not sure how coherent this will be, but once again I feel the urge to get some of this stuff out.

Things get better day by day, but whenever my mind strays back to the choices I’ve made and those that others have made regarding me, I find anger waiting right around the corner.  It’s nothing like the sadness and depression I’ve felt, but something that’s sharper. Maybe not sharper, but hard-edged, definitely.  Like a table your shin finds in the middle of the night.

I still feel that anger is a better emotion than sadness, though it eats away at you in different ways.  Eventualy, it will fade–I can hold onto anger for a long time, but it usually disappears into something remembered rather than something active.  I just wish the process went more quickly.

The thing is, I know I made the right decision, but I can’t help the fact that I thought she’d try a little harder.  Not that I know what would have happened if she did. It would have made this all that much more difficult, but it would be nice to feel that. Probably just another lie, though.  Seeing things as they are really doesn’t make life peachy keen! Truth isn’t the be all and end all.

I know that struggling with this is a part of life.  I guess I’m still at something of a loss as to how someone can be so cold without it affecting them at all.  Hm…

I was walking to class this morning, and I was looking at the houses that line the less traveled streets on the way toward campus.  Some of them are really beautiful–especially the ones with trees in their yards.  There are so many weeping willows here, I had no idea.  And I realized how long it’s been since I looked around.  I realized that I’ve never actually thought about the future, about what I’d really like for it. Sure, I’ve decided that I will become a dentist, but where do I want to live? Do I really want a family?

I decided that living in Ellensburg wouldn’t be so bad…not if I could have a house like that, with that beautiful shade and the kindness in trees.  I could raise a family there, with bookshelves and cats, and my own touch with things the way I want them to be.  I could be happy.

It’s so hard sometimes, though, with a mind like mine.  I’m always in the clouds, daydreaming about a life that doesn’t exist or even include me.  I don’t know if I dislike myself or what, really.  Why can’t I imagine how I want things to be for me? Why do I have to create fictional characters and imagine their lives, as if my life isn’t good enough?  And it’s true–my life hasn’t been good enough up until this point because I’ve never paid any attention to it. I’ve sleepwalked.  And I’m still trying to find that balance between living and being able to write and enjoy it.

This is a growing experience.  Things are changing, and I’m happy about the changes.  The transition is just difficult.

 

Now….plans for the Fourth.  Going to Beth’s, going to see Lamp, who is getting fixed on Monday.  Hopefully I can get my dad to buy some fireworks so we can shoot them off, which would be fun since I haven’t done that in a long time.  And just thinking about that, about the bright colors in darkness, makes me want to write a short story based on it.  I’ve even found some fun communities that can contribute to that…I just can’t make myself do it yet.  It’s hard to pick something up when you’ve let go of something else that has ruled your pen…or keyboard…for quite some time.

I have the song Beautiful Girl stuck in my head.  Some lines are really appropriate–the one that you left won’t take you back.  I think I’m still in awe of the fact that it was me who left this time.

I wonder how long I’m going to hash this over and over.  I feel like I could write on it for hours and hours.  Ugh…just need to learn some damn moderation, that’s for sure.

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve had nightmares of being chased.  Over the years, they’ve become less frightening, and more routine: I’ve been chased by men I don’t know, monster trucks, fires, witches.  I’ve run away from flooding rivers and from volcanos.  I’ve run away from volcanoes and men that are chasing me.  I’ve hidden from a tidal wave.

I rarely have nightmares that feature anything else.  And when I have these dreams, they carry on forever, and I almost always wake up before there is any kind of resolution.  I’m always running, and there’s always a sense of anticipation.

I don’t really think that most dreams have a signficance.  As I’ve tried to analyze my dreams over the years, I’ve discovered that they often feature things that I’ve seen or heard throughout the day, but haven’t paid attention to.  I can link a dream back to a billboard that I glimpsed on a TV show, or a cat that I saw on a sidewalk while I walked home.  I look at dream dictionaries and I find them rather amusing, because I don’t really believe in the meanings they boast of.

But last night I had another one of my chasing dreams.  This time it was a swarm of bugs–beatle-like bugs that looked almost like crabs, but were bright green and pinkish.  At the beginning of the dream, one of the characters (for usually I dream of characters rather than people I actually know) was bitten by one of these bugs, a flock of which was coming into the area.  She siezed up and began to twitch eventually, and we were told that if we were bitten, we all would die.  Her siezing up and twitching harkens back to Gilbert falling on the linoleum floor earlier that day and being stunned for a bit, but I’m not sure where the bugs came from.  Perhaps it was the spider that crawled underneath my backpack at work yesterday–the one I totally forgot about.  I hope I didn’t cart him back home.

Anyway, so this swarm of bugs is coming.  They come, and we run away.  It’s not too big of a swarm at first, and I don’t really remember much of this part of the dream, because it wasn’t important.  It picks up again when an even bigger swarm of bugs (at this point I think the bugs have shifted to being some kind of outer-space alien-type bug) is coming, and we’re all going to die for sure this time.

I remember thinking specifically about hiding in the closet.  But no, I couldn’t hide in the closet because the bugs could bore right through the wall.  They were already in the house, so I knew we had to get out somehow, but opening the door to the other room would let them in quicker.  So, I did what I often do in these nightmares, and opened the metal vent high up in the wall, planning to escape through the ventillation system.  This usually works, leading me outside and into another chase-and-escape routine.  But the vent was way too small for me to fit into this time, and I was at a loss.

I turned to the window, and decided that, even though this was the second story, we’d have to crawl out and make a run for it.  This part is a little hazy as well–I’m not sure how we got down to the ground, but I remember that I had the screen from the window, and was fighting off these bugs with that.  For some reason, it was the only thing that would kill them.  Eventually, we all got screens.  The tables turned.

After most of the bugs had been dispatched, we realized that they’d laid eggs in the river by my house (another constant fixture that I usually use for a means of escape in my nightmares).  The growing bugs were something like tadpoles (which harkens back to the book I read earlier that day, The Painter From Shanghai, which depicts the main character swallowing live tadpoles to ward off unwanted pregnancy), and we realized that they were growing very, very quickly.  So, we got a bunch of bleach and poured it into the river.

I’m not sure what this implies about my feelings on ruining the environment, but I know one thing for sure: this is the first time I’ve ever fought back against the agressor in one of my dreams.  I usually always run away.  This time I fought back, and won.

I don’t consider myself a person that actually runs away from things.  But I can see where this might have some relevance.  For the first time, I’m actually taking charge of my life and giving myself what I think I deserve, rather than taking the easy way and trying to please other people.

Just a little bit of something that made this early day brighter.

Also, my dad told me a funny story of his work today:
He had to send some plans to a man named Brian Low for his company, and Brian Low works for US Bank, I believe.  Something with US in the title.  Anyway, the man gave my dad his email, and it was something like: Blow@us.com. I laughed. Blow us. Ahaha.

Anywho, off to read some more.  Today’s going to be a hot one, but a good one.

I found myself getting depressed again a few minutes ago.  It’s strange when that cloud descends upon you, it’s impossible, really, to think about anything else.  How could anything possibly ever make you happy again? You can’t even think about happiness.  It’s so ridiculous, and I hate it.  So I’ve decided to make a list of things to be happy about, so when I’m depressed, I can look back here and try to remember what it means to be happy about them.

1. I’m getting Lamp soon!
2. I have a beautiful apartment with a fun roommate.
3. I have a great idea for a story that I just need to get down on paper.
4. I have a lot of books to read (The Painter From Shanghai is next!).
5. All my weekends from now until the end of July are full.
6. Plus also Relay For Life.
7. Plus also camping.
8. Plus also my mom is coming to visit me next weekend and is taking Emily and I out to dinner and Kelly should come too.
9. Plus also Leah might be visiting me some weekend soon.
10. I look cute and skinny, even while PMSing. Usually.  Right now.
11. Spiffy and I just made a fun new RPG, that no one wants to join but is still awesome anyway.
12. I have a working tv, even if it doesn’t have a remote.
13. Ice cream and my BFF Kelly.
14. Tora.
15. My beanbag chair.
16. I’m going to be a goddamned dentist.

This may or may not be helpful.  My resentment is growing about this entire situation.  I know I would have felt better if I could just put it all behind me, but apparently I’m not the only one holding on… I just wish that actually meant something.

More things to be happy about! Spaghetti feed Saturday night that Nicole, Kelly AND my dad are coming to! Plus Beth will be there, and she’s always fun stuff. More things! Hanging out with Nicole and Kelly all Saturday.  Let’s see, here’s a big one:

I got 105% on my last math test. I win at this math class, despite having made ANOTHER stupid mistake. God, I’ll have to be careful on the test we have tomorrow.  First I just need to finish the homework…gah.

It’s pretty overcast today.  Geez…I love my new apartment. I can’t say that enough. It really does make me so happy. I should lay on the ground and just roll around there.  It’s really too bad that Gilbert can’t move his ball around more on that carpet.  I was so excited to see him running around that huge place, but he’s just too damn small. Poor little hamster.

This is a little bit of a deviation from the last subject, but Ijust had a thought about why I feel like I’m “escaping” into happiness when I look for things to make me happy.  I don’t think it’s actually an escape, and I really need to stop thinking in those terms.  Because an escape is something that’s dangerous. You can always get caught.  I don’t know what to call it though…running toward happiness?  But that sounds like happiness is trying to get away.  Hmm…I’ve never been able to dive, so I can’t dive into happiness.  Ah! I have it.  Sinking into happiness…like a warm bath or a comfortable bed. Or my beanbag chair!

I kind of want to snuggle my hamster right now. Only a couple more hours of work, and I’m feeling better already! Maybe part of it has to do with the fact that I just took today’s Zoloft….

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Day two of MATH 100C.  The professor, Mr. Sund, is an amusing football coach from WSU that really knows how to make math “fun.”  I was rather skeptical about this concept when he told me in his office yesterday that after this class, I would “like math.” Which is really rather amusing when you think about it, considering that I’ve hated math since second grade.  But I actually like this class. Damn. 

Probably it’s because I already know everything that we’ve covered so far.  Once things get tough, I’ll probably end up cutting and running.  Well, probably not.  Possibly I’ll just end up being mildly unpleasant.

I still haven’t managed to get signed up for that class properly, though I have the feeling that this is Mr. Sund’s ineptness with the computer rather than my own issues.  Hopefully that will be resolved sometime tomorrow–I’m getting tired of getting up early in order to go down to the math department.  Not that I have any real reason to stay up late, and thus no reason to sleep in.  Still kinda tired, though.

Tomorrow is “joke day” in class.  We get an extra credit point if we tell a joke, but it has to be clean and it has to be corny.  …Not sure what to say about that, though I find myself amused.  I was looking for one to share tomorrow for awhile, but they were so corny I couldn’t stand the cringing.  I think I’ll use one that I learned from my (very corny) ASL professor a couple of quarters ago:

Q: What do you call a chicken coup with only two doors?
A: A chicken sedan.

Ahhahaha.

Anyway, in other news, I decided that I need to create a page that documents the books I’ve read this summer as well as a summer reading list, just to keep track of myself.  Right now I think I’m going to finish reading The Inferno interspersing that with Shadow of the Hegemon…or something else if Kelly can offer me some better ideas.  I also ordered two books online from barnesandnoble.com, so hopefully those will have arrived at my parents’ by Saturday (though I doubt it).

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Because I can’t do it after four years of not doing it.  Apparently mathematics is not like riding a bike, which I haven’t done for about four years either.

I was four points away from passing the MPT, which means that this summer I’ll have to take MATH 100C instead of 153.  Not a problem for me–I could care less because math is math and it all sucks.  Only, 100C is a permissions only class, so I have to go talk to the instructor about getting in.  On Monday.  Which is the day that the class starts.

Why do I want to be a dentist again?

Oh yeah, I remember. 

Actually, I’m rather impressed that I almost passed that test, considering that I never took the class that I was trying to test OUT of, and that I suck at math, AND that I haven’t taken it since junior year in high school.  I can’t say that I was super disappointed.  I’d rather take a math class that suits my abilities than try and take one that I’m going to struggle with the entire summer.  I’ll just have to take 153 next summer, is all, to get into physics.

My boss, the captain of police, laughed today when I told him I would be graduating in the winter of 2011.  He’s just jealous and old and single.

In better news: Kelly, Nicole and I are going to Sunland tomorrow! Time to catch some rays and a tan.  Too bad I can’t drink–though I suppose I’d rather be happy than drunk.